“The lesson you’re taught is that the story ends at the wedding, and then that’s when Jannah (paradise) begins. That’s when you’ll be saved and completed and everything that was once broken will be fixed. The only problem is, that’s not where the story ends. That’s where it begins. That’s where the building starts: the building of a life, the building of your character, the building of sabr, patience, perseverance, and sacrifice. The building of selflessness. The building of love.And the building of your path back to Him.
However if the person you marry becomes your ultimate focus in life, your struggle has just begun. Now your spouse will become your greatest test. Until you remove that person from the place in your heart that only God should be, it will keep hurting. Ironically, your spouse will become the tool for this painful extraction process, until you learn that there are places in the human heart made only by— and for—God.”
– Yasmin Mogahed
Sometimes we also think that dating or talking to someone before marriage lets us know the person we’re intending to marry. But what we see is never the real thing. We are then so invested in our emotions that we are unable to be rational. We get so attached, and then fall into false certainty. We think that marriage brings barakah after years of knowing someone and engaging with them in the wrong way. But we also do not know that engaging in what wasn’t permissible before brings harm into our marriage after, unless, we make taubah. And making taubah, is by truly detaching yourself from everything and to sincerely seek for forgiveness for you know that you have already done something the wrong way and this time you would want to approach it in the right way.
The building of selflessness in marriage, is often mistaken as delusion. It is not. We are given the right to think of our wellbeing (thinking rationally). Whether we are compatible, whether it is healthy, whether it brings us closer to Allah not further.
But sometimes we attach our hearts to many things, because we lack self-esteem.
“When you chase after people to fill the emptiness inside of you. And you depend on people to tell you your self worth. Then saying I love you. In fact actually mean I love me.”
Depend only on Allah to fill the loneliness, to fill the emptiness. Because Allah says that every good deed you do. You do with ikhlas. Because you don’t give to get in return. Instead you give and give. And even though how much you don’t feel appreciated by people, sabr, because true eeman, is believing that every good deed is for Allah’s sake. And with that patience, Allah will then say. “I will reward the good with good. And the bad with bad. So need not to worry. Because I am all watching.”
The building of ‘selflessness’, is actually ‘purely for the sake of Allah’.
One of the many examples would be commitment. How many stories are out there where the reason for divorce is people falling out of love with the same reason they fall in with. Even in the Quran, it says love, is commitment. If you claim to love Allah, you commit to your Solat.. You commit to His commands.. Just like wanting to have a good change.. You commit to your path.. Your jihad.. Your hijrah.. You commit, then it will become successful.
“Men should realise that by giving a divorce they are ruining a woman’s life. Learn to tolerate.. This is the best of sadaqahs..”
Of course we also can’t put away the idea of Qadr. Thus, it goes back to the point where you, servants of Allah, have placed it in your heart rather than in your hand.
If it has veiled me from remembering my Lord, what good is it to me.
Everything I have is not mine, I’m just managing His assets.
But the idea of becoming empowered by giving up control seems so counterintuitive that we’re often unwilling to try it.
Can we take a moment to know ourselves first?