I tried following the crowd. I stopped and followed my heart. My heart said it doesn’t fit. I blamed myself for being reserved thinking that I was picky. But it really just doesn’t fit.
I waited for people and they would never respond. I learned how to embark on things myself. Though at times I still feel hollow out of loneliness. I was fine. He says I just needed to find myself. And that I don’t always have to feel responsible.
With or without, through His mercy, Allah wanted to give me the best.
So I waited. And waiting sometimes just seem so odd because just like not knowing the answers, finding out comes in different ways now.
In the touch when my hands caresses the cat,
In the prayer when I close my eyes and seek nothing but Him,
In reading and analyzing the knowledge that I found,
In blogging and speaking from my raw truth,
In the comforts of my sheets by sleeping,
In allowing myself to be alone in order to seek stability,
In the company of a stranger whom I just made friends with.
I found. And the answers were there all along. It was just hidden, clouded, by my distractions. Clouded by my nafs. Clouded by my ego. Clouded by my dependency. Clouded by my frustrations.
Don’t rush they say. Rush I say, I’ve got no time to waste. Delay, Al-Mu’Akhkhir says. Alhamdulillah, I learn to say.
Even if my speech were unconfident whispers, I realize that Allah is Al-Hakim, Al-Alim.
That He is watchful of my steps, when I am heedless.
That my information is limited, and He is Al-Mani’.
How can I learn compassion, when I don’t experience the hardships myself.
How can I not see, Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim.
And then I realized my purpose. I learned how to go about dealing with things how I would like others to deal with towards me.
Man ‘Arafa Nafsahu, Faqad ‘Arafa Rabbahu. “He who knows himself, knows God”
Allah gave me answers in different ways. Not in person. Not in intellect. But in the matter of the heart. Without regression, I wouldn’t have compassion. Without regression, I wouldn’t find the importance of nurturance for my future children. Without regression, I wouldn’t learn pain and company. Without regression, I wouldn’t learn gentleness. And without regression, I wouldn’t learn selflessness.
Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal.
All praise be to Allah in every circumstances.
Now don’t ask why you’re not up there. Ask how can I help you to grow.
Because Ar-Rabb comes from the word ‘rabba-yarubbu‘ which means, ‘to nurture something from one form to another up to its final form.’