Today was one of the rare moments where after years of liberation I was reminded and became a captive of my fears for a short while. But then I snapped out of it and tell myself why must I? I am Love. I am not depressed, I am not cynical, I don’t have to prove my existence by being a feminist. I hold my self worth high but I don’t build walls either. Last Friday was one of the moments where I just sat in dzikir, closed my eyes and felt my heart missing of one thing. I just wanted Allah. Then tears came out. They say without pain there wouldn’t be nearness to Allah. But this time I was in pain, I was in pain for not feeling it with passion and intensity. For now I yearn for Him again.
And then I realized this, dear soul, you are old. You have went through a lot. Not only have you learnt the reality of life but you have also learned your lessons. I’ve never really shared this but I shall just summarise it because I have closed the chapter and it doesn’t affect me anymore Alhamdulillah, but I hope this sharing might benefit any of you in any way. Bismillah.
November 2011 – November 2012 was the most vulnerable period in my life. At the end of 2012, 4 deaths occurred. Literally and figuratively. Who would have thought in April 2013 I changed 360. And who would have thought for the next three years I walked this earth detached in solitude with the state of Alhamdulillah. A prisoner in this world, gaining insights into my unconscious. Empowering myself with knowledge. Building intimacy with my Lord. Losing the pleasures of this world to the point of longing for death. Accepting my weaknesses and letting myself go into the mystery of what Allah has for me. If people were to asked, which situation affected me yet which situation instilled growth and strength in me the most. I would say that is the one.
Your desires destroyed you but your patience have turned to gold. It is not that you are unable to feel now. It is cause you are quite prepared. Oh what mercy Allah has given you. To keep your faith while Him being gentle with you. Dear soul, you are young in the eyes but the foundation you built for yourself was bold. You are young in the eyes because you still have a lot to learn. And it’s true.
I do have a lot to learn.
But dear soul, you have grown at least a little, Alhamdulillah. The days of uncontrollable anxieties and excessive low self esteem was long gone. That the only thing I am more afraid of now is not being weak so that I can cry out to You. I am still weak. Thus I know I need You.
As I toss away the old and prepare for the new,
One takeaway is that in this life where brokenness is the result of us betraying our own souls, does not mean that we cannot love, connect nor commit. But we should love the giver more than the gift. When you sincerely love the giver more than the gift, you’ll know what the giver wants. To treat your gift with care. Because the gift is His, it is not yours. You yourself are a gift. And it is entrusted upon you to remind each other of Him and to love each other for His sake. You can harm yourself for all you want but you do not harm others. Do not go into marriage if you think your actions would hurt the other party in the future. Not only physically but also psychologically. So marriage is not only a huge commitment but also a huge entrustment. How well prepared are you to love unconditionally, advice, tolerate and grow spiritually with the other party even though they grow individually. Thus, my advice to you dear strong one, especially if it’s harder for you, committing to self healing, self care, self love and acquiring knowledge whether it be religious or beneficial is the first step to consciousness.
Love knows no malice, no negativity. It comes from a pure and gentle heart…and it touches other hearts amalgamating all into Oneness. We are all byproducts of this Oneness. And this oneness is divine. Divinity can not be complicated.
May we all be blessed with the closeness and the remembrance of Allah and Sayyidina Rasulullah ﷺ May we be granted his ﷺ Love and intervention. His ﷺ healing of our weak spiritual state.
Whether you are on the path or struggling. You are not alone, Allah is with you.