Covert sexual abuse. Emotional abuse. Enmeshment. Identification. Role reversal. Parentification. Anxious attachment.
You are robbed off your childhood. In order to fulfill the needs of your parents, you grew up too early neglecting your own needs as a child. Being an adult too early, you worked hard, to recompense for the misdeed of your same sex parent. But it isn’t you to begin with.
Stockholm syndrome. How would you know when enemies were masked as rescuers.
A delusional love. Having high expectations on oneself and on others due to identification. It doesn’t have to do with others, just like it doesn’t have to do with you. You are different. Let it be.
Your values and beliefs were compromised. You couldn’t take autonomy of your life because you were dependent. Of the only one you were dependent on.
It wasn’t your responsibility when others couldn’t make it right for themselves. You shouldn’t feel low of yourself because you are not a saviour indeed.
Do you feel unloved because they scorned you off as a result of your ‘failures’?
My dear, you should be loved instead, despite circumstances. Because it was not you. It was never you.
You don’t deserved to be used and abused.
Resorting to running and resenting. But it never does heal that way.
In understanding there’s Love.
Understand that they were hurt. And understand that you are hurt. How could you not be hurt?
You were afraid to be yourself, because you don’t even know who yourself really is.
But in knowing, is to not know.
In clarity and certainty, is to remove.
Remove every idea you have. Remove the idea that you are unworthy. Remove the self-limiting beliefs you have on yourself, to remove the self-limiting love you attract. Why do they think of you as a cruel human being? When it isn’t your fault to begin with.
Why do you have to act like the one they say you are. Manipulated. Controlled. Blamed.
Projected. I was too, almost manipulated, controlled, blamed.
I thank God for the firm ground that I had inside. Fighting against the doubts that was placed on me. Accepting the well needed detachment and independence I have. Without it, I wouldn’t have lived and loved consciously.
I pray that someday you will truly be free.
There’s one thing I admire about you though, your connectedness.
May Allah connect us to sayyidina Rasulullah salallahu alaihi wassalam despite our poor forms and state. Ameen.