4 years to build up, and it took just 1 moment to make it all come crashing down. Self confidence, motivation, independence, direction, purposefulness, social sense of belonging. It’s so weird, how everything just disempowers you in a snap of a finger. It feels like I have been working on a project, to build a building I’ve investment on, only to collapsed the moment I almost completed it while intending to celebrate with an opening ceremony. How I feel like burying my head in the rubbles that I’m in and giving a big long sigh that I have to redo the whole structures on my own once again. I realize I am weak and faulty. What is perfection when Allah is the only perfect. I am on my path, and this path seems to be telling me to unlearn what I have learned. I am unlearning what I have learned. I am regressing. I am growing but I can’t fully grow. And I have become unsure of myself right now. But I’ll leave it all to Him. And these tiny steps. Like the pace of my Quran recitation, like the extra amount of studies I have to put in. It’s exhausting, to be this slow, on my own. But then it’s scary to be that fast, because I can’t keep up and it will just magnify my inadequacy. Once again I’ve withdrawn, deferred. I have rejected myself, the moment I rejected them. Patience is what I needed. One step forward, two steps back. Different, I am. But not different I am as His slave. Then maybe so once again, to learn something I am capable of learning, is to submit.
The Sufi is the man of current now. He does not concern himself with the future nor does he concern himself of the past. He lives in the present moment..