“You can have some time with him”
Oh I wasn’t ready for this.
Worried. I grew silent. A few seconds later my hands turned into cold sweat. Speechless. I ruminate silently. It was closer to my turn. My pulse raise. I grew anxious. Nervous, I turned to my friend asking for assurance. “Anything? I can say anything? But what if it’s more of a feeling?”. As the time passes, it felt like my stomach was twisting. Pretence. I wasn’t calm at all. But I was trying to calm myself down. Because I knew that this was an opportunity I shouldn’t waste once again. As I continued ruminating, it felt like I was digging myself into a hole. Deeper and more deeper. As if every time the clock ticks, I’m choking on myself even tighter. I looked around, I looked at the time, I looked at my friends. I didn’t know what to say. My mind went blank. I gave up, I’d rather not think. I didn’t want the door to open. Let them prolong their conversations. I wish. But that didn’t happened.
“Aishya, your turn”, he said
I jumped up, my anxieties peaked. I was still considering at that very last minute. Pushed at the edge I was, when I saw him getting mad and impatient. Just three seconds passed, he immediately asked another to take my spot. Right at the same time “It’s okay, I think I’m not meeting him”, I decided on impulse.
I knew very well in what state I was in, immediately, embarrassed to face everyone in the living room, I went into the room, all alone. Sat myself down beside my bag and tried to calm myself down. Giving myself another chance to give it a second thought. Failed to, the displeasures of the rush and rejection just consumed me. My anxieties consumed me. My pain consumed me. My hands were still in cold sweat. I needed to get away. I picked my bag up and went off.
While I was walking off quickly, as if the fast pace could allow me to run away from my feelings, my thoughts consumed me so much, my face flushed, I was holding my anger in, holding my anger in, holding my anger in until my tears fell. And I was lucky. Very lucky, that nobody was around the blocks that night. I allowed myself to burst out crying even though I was in public. While I was still walking, it just kept on falling, and I kept on wiping my tears off, with both hands, like a child. I was mad, upset and nervous all at the same time.
That night I didn’t have my friend to accompany me home. But I thought I really needed someone to talk things out to. So I texted my friend and told my friend that my past feelings were recurring and that due to me feeling very empty, detached and indifferent, a lot of things came crashing down recently. The anxieties, it happened to me terribly in 2012 and I am surprised it finally happened again that night. I couldn’t pretend, the accumulated hurt made me realize that I couldn’t pretend to be okay. But once I was reminded that it’s the lower self that brings up the thoughts of running away, I knew that I needed to put myself in a healthier environment for the moment. I knew that I needed to heal this poor soul.
And that was the problem. The huge main problem. I didn’t have any queries nor complains. How would I have? When the route way out is always to dissolve things at the back of my mind. I didn’t know how people could run towards help, I run the other way.
Battling with trying to be heard and validated, my emotions sometimes leaves me dry and confused. At times it does destroys my ability to feel, articulate and so to ask. Bringing into consciousness a suppressed feeling could land me to express them either in confusion, anger or frustration at times.
A false belief that I could hold on to my own rope on my own. Albeit I can’t. Ruminating is a one way ticket to further negative self thoughts but we often dismiss it. An avoidant gone sullen, trying to care for my own well being, I wish people could be more accepting so I could be more accepting. But in trying to control what you are in no control of, they say what if He’s asking you to break?
“I want you in the house but not in my room… unless I invite you” – what an avoidant would say
Though the only person who is ego-less and merciful enough ‘to go into my room and hang out with me’ is my mother. They say if you wanna see a person’s true character towards you.. watch how they treat you when at times they can’t benefit off of you. That’s why they say mothers are the closest to the teachings of the Sufis. She showed me a lot about sincerity and divinity. May Allah love her and grant her happiness in both this life and the hereafter. May her light nurture us all. And may Allah raise her station and make her be among those who are His friend. Ameen!