In our foolishness at times we question will I find a job as good as this? Will I find like minded people as in line as my goals as this? We fear of taking the risk, we fear losing company. Yet we hold on to something that doesn’t work anymore. Every time we say I’m lonely I’m lonely, I’m lacking I’m lacking, He says I’m here I’m here. We grapple, we face discrimination, we endure obstacles, we limit growth. We basically fear losing. What if we choose to finally let go of what we can’t control and have the freedom to choose how we wish our life would be like, and we choose to be happy. Maybe it’s in the losing, we’ll find. Do not take it as a social maladjustment that needs to be dealt with, when not in one bit do they sit and support your growth in any way. How in giving up we renounce the ego, renounce the nafs and we realize the ease there is when we go with the flow. I find myself in a lot of thoughts lately. Some Alhamdulillah are from a higher mind and some are totally the opposite, just psychologically exhausting. But these are the deepest pit of fall and the highest rise for me. They say the level of breakdown equals to the level of breakthrough. I thought about how people give their bodies as a means to relieve their difficulties but still be in emotional numbness. I thought about how people endure romantic abuse at the expense of their self esteem. I thought about how foolish some women are who choose to believe and date unavailable married men. I thought about how giving a pay back doesn’t have to be dark and dirty, it could be passing a contact of a criminal lawyer to someone in grieve need, and I’ve done that before. Through all these thoughts it felt like god was telling me something.
“You are a doorway to the salvation of every sinner who attaches himself to you”
I found myself smiling a lot after I met those girls in the Road 2 Remembrance initiative 2 days back. Road 2 remembrance is a group of girls who come together through social media to have tasbih making sessions to give it out during Ramadan on the streets. They reminded me of my soul searching days.
They reminded me of that early 30s divorcee who followed me around for company but everytime during breaking of fast she would look around in anxiety anticipating her ex and eventually told me her story after our volunteerism at Darul Arqam on the way home.
They reminded me of that girl who chased after me and stopped me when I was going off with my friends after our sharings at an all girls usrah event, to tell me that she was touched and inspired by my story, then gave me the most warmest hug and made the most sincere dua for me.
They reminded me of that one home I visited under an organization called Apex that I was volunteering with and there was this Nenek (grandmother) whose son just got out of prison and was taking care of her by himself and all the other siblings left them and to make matters worst, their inheritance were taken away so they became poor. After telling us their story, that motherly lovely nenek said to us that if it’s easy for us to do visit her again. She kissed all of us on the cheeks and told us countless times that she was utterly grateful for our presence. Her loneliness made me felt so compelled to bring her company and put a smile on her face that I asked the organization for some details and permission post event.
Even today after meeting up with someone I know, I couldn’t focus on my own sadness, because there are people whose problem is sadder than mine, whose confidence is more limited than mine and whose heart is more broken than mine. Being on the other side of the table this time, I realize myself that a dua is more befitting for that soul. And it brought with me a heavy heart.
I finally found the courage to remind myself this; let go once again and take it as an opportunity for intimacy with God. You have a lot more to heal and you have a lot more of your soul in you to give.
Find a way to your innermost secret. Let no other perception distract you. -Rumi