Sometimes a relationship ends, and just as much as you go around asking people for their opinions, every one points their fingers at you saying that it was your fault. So the frustration to explain yourself debilitates the whole process. You face rejections instead of understanding. You blame yourself for the outcome. And then when you get back, and that if you do, you get so afraid of saying “I want this.”, “I need this.”, because the mind fears to lose the same person the next time.
Just like a child, a child is weak, it attaches to its caretaker, no matter if the caretaker has the ability to provide a healthy nurturance or not. The child at its innocent stage, still attaches itself to its caretaker. The caretaker could have expressed anger at the child’s needs. Conversely, the caretaker could have withheld attention or nurturance when the child is angry, causing the child to repressed its own needs. To the child, losing the attention and affection of the one providing it is a scary thing. Thus he/she learns to repress his/her needs in order to keep the attention and affection of the one providing it.
But what creates the whole dynamic is that in the future, the cycle repeats. Because you weren’t confident in voicing your needs and what works best for you, it leads to indecisiveness which slowly causes withdrawal. If you stay, you allow less than what you want, and then you wonder its worth. No, you wonder Your worth. And if you withdraw, you wonder if you don’t deserve to be treated like you belong and you wonder if you don’t deserve love.
Some days you’re In and other days you’re out. Just like your emotions, sometimes it’s up and sometimes it’s down. It’s instable, because it hasn’t learn to understand itself and its needs. It settles for less yet the heart hesitates. It settles for how people treat you rather than how you want people to treat you.
There’s no shame in being vulnerable. There’s no shame in asking if you do not know. There’s no shame in wanting what you need. And there’s no shame, in standing solo.
I had a very good conversation with my sister last night and she gave me a good advice,
“Not everyone is nice enough to give you closure. Sometimes you just have to learn how to love yourself.”
I need a patient person. I need someone like I am, in times of difficulties and figuring it out, patient and flexible.
Build self confidence in order to speak authentically. Love yourself first in order to know true intimacy.
*Nope I am not implying that so and so hasn’t given me any clean and direct explanation and I am not one who value blaming others. I value taking responsibility for my own self. And this post, just like all my previous posts, has no intention in putting the blame on anybody. I advocate empowerment if you haven’t already know, and that’s what this blog is all about as I have one under my categories. Let all the more I advocate spiritual empowerment. I may write about human trafficking, abuse or special needs but it doesn’t necessarily mean I am experiencing it first hand. When I wrote about meeting someone whose confidence is more limited than mine, the same night I actually went home and had a good chatty conversation, full of laughter, with my whole family members at the dining table Alhamdulillah. The day I wrote on the topic non-linear thinking, was the same day I had a good complain to my parents about the frustrations I faced with my teammates and for the first time it felt like I spoke authentically and I allowed understanding. And I was even more touched when my dad was genuinely frustrated for me which made me realize that nobody’s perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Then later we prayed Jemaah together Alhamdulillah. Psst I even used to score 100/100 and A* for most of my subjects when I was younger and I could relate to teaching slower students or communicating with slower people that’s because when I was 9 I was appointed to teach my slower juniors reading. Eventually that was before my life took a turn. The image I portray in this blog is as though I’m a very complicated person but if you know me in real life, without the insecurities I am actually quite bubbly and positive. I’m just writing from how I feel and I’m choosing to write deeply and courageously. Perhaps writing allows me to express my innermost thoughts and struggles that God knows I need healing from.
And this is it, this is what this blog is about.