Women Who Are Men and Abuse

profile-488477_1280

Are men afraid of strong women? And do women really see themselves as worthless? Or are men who are afraid of independent thinking women, learn to successfully manipulate these women into seeing themselves as powerless?

If I am here, shower you with attention, this is your worth, and if I am not here, cold and defiant, this is how little you are worth. So women who are unconscious victims learn to rely on unhealthy patterns.

A human, capable of loving, empowers, enables and gives without the need of receiving and control. One only a sound heart is capable of being.

Why do aggressive men cower and get defensive when they hear about feminism? Even though the agenda of a true feminist isn’t to overpower or dominate men but to have equal rights. Why must we be men when the role of a male and a female were created to be different in their own beauty and purpose. Are these men guilty that women will treat men how men have treated women?

However, are these men to be blamed? Do these men perhaps have some deep-seated fear in their unconscious that reacts emotionally and sometimes physically to perceived upcoming danger? Are they angry perhaps at another person, not you?

Are these men then afraid of hearing the truth? The truth that they can’t seek it elsewhere but within. That they are weak themselves. That when women seek to have their time away and a mind of their own, they start belittling them, rejecting them and sometimes act on them because of their own insecurities. And then abuses the situation by threatening an affair. Are they real men?

Or do they just seek relationships to feed their egos?

Now, how do some ladies talk about incest without shame? Are they so passionately attached to the familial, they don’t see it as wrong?

A spiritual rebirth one experiences when one has learned how to love without attaching to their ideals. Aren’t these ideals egocentric?

A cry for help, these women make, when they are just asking to be authentic, capable and yet be loved gently and unconditionally. Abusers place power in the wrong places. Healers place power in the right circumstances.

To the strong, independent woman who is learning to love their troubled man, and to the strong, independent man who is learning to love their troubled woman, and to the troubled man and woman projecting their fears to everybody,

Learn to love yourself.

Emotional Validation

Sometimes a relationship ends, and just as much as you go around asking people for their opinions, everyone points their fingers at you saying that it was your fault. So the frustration to explain yourself debilitates the whole process. You face rejections instead of understanding. You blame yourself for the outcome. And then when you get back, and that if you do, you get so afraid of saying “I want this.”, “I need this.” because the mind fears losing the same person the next time.


Just like a child, a child is weak, it attaches to its caretaker, no matter if the caretaker has the ability to provide healthy nurturance or not. The child at its innocent stage still attaches itself to its caretaker. The caretaker could have expressed anger at the child’s needs. Conversely, the caretaker could have withheld attention or nurturance when the child is angry, causing the child to repress their own needs. To the child, losing the attention and affection of the one providing it is a scary thing. Thus he/she learns to repress his/her needs in order to keep the attention and affection of the one providing it.


But what creates the whole dynamic is that in the future, the cycle repeats. Because you weren’t confident in voicing your needs and what works best for you, it leads to indecisiveness which slowly causes withdrawal. If you stay, you allow less than what you want, and then you wonder its worth. No, you wonder about Your worth. And if you withdraw, you wonder if you don’t deserve to be treated like you belong and you wonder if you don’t deserve love.


Some days you’re In and other days you’re out. Just like your emotions, sometimes it’s up and sometimes it’s down. It’s instable because it hasn’t learned to understand itself and its needs. It settles for less yet the heart hesitates. It settles for how people treat you rather than how you want people to treat you.


There’s no shame in being vulnerable. There’s no shame in asking if you do not know. There’s no shame in wanting what you need. And there’s no shame, in standing solo.

backlit-2178297_1280

I had a very good conversation with my sister last night and she gave me good advice,

“Not everyone is nice enough to give you closure. Sometimes you just have to learn how to love yourself.”

Build self-confidence in order to speak authentically. Love yourself first in order to know true intimacy.

Purpose of place: finding Allah through life’s mission

I really love the approach of Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes when it comes to spirituality. Imbuing spirituality with social issues, which I find personally relatable when it comes to the teaching or therapeutic lines like counseling or psychology. It was a privilege to have him here all the way from the US and to remind us once again to use our gifts and our skills in service to Allah swt and to know our true purpose with our spouses and our children.

Last year on his more intimate ‘Youth Activism: Unlock Your Potential Being’ workshop, Shaykh Mendes asked us to look within and to recognize what are the things you are most mad about and what are the things you stand up for. That will be the clue to figuring out your life mission in bringing about change in the community. Then to think of what you’re going to do for the next 6 months to bring about that change. A brother bravely shared with us that he had experienced losing himself in drinking and smoking, so he plans to open up a boxing training center for people who struggles with similar issues to divert their attention to a healthier lifestyle and also to provide a space to release pent up anger. Syabas! 😀

This year in his ‘Purpose of Place: Finding Allah through Life’s Mission’ workshop, it reminded me again of what I believed in. 3 years ago, I found peace, authenticity and Allah ﷻ through that although it wasn’t something religious. And I too wondered why were there a lot of people who opened up to me with their stories. Not only people of my age but also people who were older than me and they’d always expressed gratitude and ease after our conversations. This non-religious complicated thing that I had a passion for yet resonates with the sentence “man ‘arafa nafsahu faqad ‘arafa Rabbahu”, which means “he who knows himself knows his Lord” which Allah has said in the Quran. I then find it interesting how he mentioned in his ‘The Way of Love: Joys and Realities of Marriage’ workshop about the 4 temperaments, which is a proto-psychological theory that suggests four fundamental personality types and that each of the 4 temperaments is connected 4 basic fundamental energies such as hot, cold, dry and wet. But what I found interesting was that he states that as our nafs. You have to understand your nafs, your spouse’s nafs, your children’s nafs. The positive sides of the temperaments are his or her strengths and if is compatible, achieve goodness while the negative sides of the temperaments are what you have to work on as a couple. However, marriage is like a spiritual path. With humility, it can make you a saint. What I meant by that is maybe the difficulty is not in embracing our differences after all. Maybe it is in overcoming our pride and opening our minds beyond what is comfortable. And it has a way of crushing our ego and conjure us to learn how to love unconditionally. And with patience, it promises you paradise. “So be patient, with a beautiful patience” [70:5]. How can we say we are marrying for our deen and for the purpose of purifying our nafs, if following the words of the Quran itself is a hard thing to do. With true love, strong marriages teach you Rahmah, Mawaddah, and Sakinah. Make time for Allah, give yourself space to just be with Allah, even if it’s in a marriage.

You were born together, and together you shall be forever more.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your
days.
Yes, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of heaven dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but each one of you be
alone–even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver
with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not in each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the Cyprus grow not in each other’s shadows

– Kahlil Gibran, on Marriage from The Prophet

because in a physical world where zahir is usually more important, Allah will allow a sincere heart to reach something it longs for, if not in zahir, in batin. The beauty of it is that contradicting as it sounds, it will grow two hearts closer. This, however, will be hard, if we do not take responsibility for our selves. The wounded child that helplessly attaches itself onto others out of anxiety or loneliness. Connecting intimately with a greater entity, in another word, learning tasawwuf, helps us control these negativities.

Shaykh also said that we as Muslims are meant to go back to our deen al-fitrah in order to find out our purpose. Which then in his ‘Prophetic Parenting: Raising God Conscious Children in the 21st Century’ workshop, he brought up the meaning of Rabb as “to nurture one up to its perfected form”, which comes from the root word yurrabi, meaning to raise a child. Masya Allah.. Just like the concept of tarbiyah, in counseling, we have our inner child to raise in order to complete each of its needed developmental stages so that one can grow mentally. How many times do we hear people say ‘grow up’ and then be perplexed at how childish and irresponsible we were at that point. And how at times we feel like we are torturing ourselves from the pain we have to face while losing ourselves mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. We had a break out session and we were told to share what our dreams are to our group mates. I shared with my group that I aspire to open up a center where people can seek both professional counseling/psychological therapy and just like what Sout Ilaahi is doing, providing lectures, workshops, activities, and events on spirituality and traditional Islamic sciences for the masses. Therefore my greatest wish is to put the two together.

Just like what Shaykh Mendes said, it doesn’t mean we give you the hasbunallahu wa’nimal wakeel to recite, that will cure you. That hasbunallahu wa’nimal wakeel is to turn you to a solution and that not all kinds of illnesses can be cured with awrad. But that awrad is a means of attaining aspirations for the disciple at the same time discipline the soul to be in the remembrance of Allah. Thus my idea is to provide such a resource for people by collaborating with spiritual events, reveling the Prophetic teachings. He too, pointed out a very good point for all of us in his closed-door session ‘Wisdom in Action: Dealing with Contemporary Social Issues’, quoting Theodore Roosevelt;

“They don’t care about what you know, but they want to know whether you care.” – Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes

He reassured me, that just like the Prophet ﷺ , he catered to the needs of his sahabahs who came to him with worldly issues and did not dismiss them.

Alhamdulillah for such RE-flections. His visit here was extremely beneficial and his words just healed me. I am writing this to show that your deepest inner struggles can be your light, and sometimes Allah gives you such pain in your early life so that sooner or later it knocks on your heart to find that mission. Remember that the job that is earning you money doesn’t necessarily be your purpose. ❤️

May the things we do be in service to Allah swt.

Dear zindagi life lessons on freedom

Therapist: please tell your friend that sometimes we choose the tough path only because we feel that to achieve important things we have to take the tough path

We feel we need to punish ourselves

But why?

Why not choose the easy way out? What is so bad about it?

Especially when we are unprepared for the tough path

Why climb mountains when you are not ready to?

Would you tell this story to your friend? It’s.. it’s important.


Therapist: I’m going to ask you a question.

Have you bought a chair? Have you bought one?

And did you just go into a shop and buy the first chair you saw?

Kaira: No

Therapist: Exactly my point.

We look at so many different chairs until we find the right one

Some chairs may be comfortable but look like shit

Others look nice but are hard on the butt

So the process starts, chair after chair..

How many chairs we check out before we find that one chair?

So the point is,

If we look for so many options just to buy a chair

Then shouldn’t we look at options when choosing a life partner?

So.. dirty.. cheap.. fast.. no

Smart, clear, fine.. actually super fine.

Kaira: so the women in my dream who believe that marriage is the only acceptable relationship, I felt dirty because of them

Therapist: See you’ve figured it out yourself. You don’t need anybody’s help

Kaira: But the dangling camera, what does that mean? … just like my future, it’s hanging in the air..!

Therapist: Actually you know what, maybe you should sit on my chair and I should sit from here today

Kaira: it’s so cool. I wish the whole world could hear about your chair theory

Therapist: why is it important for the whole world to hear this?

Kaira: if they understand this chair theory they will stop judging others and what a beautiful world it will be

Therapist: no kaira. When you understand yourself well, then what others think of you doesn’t matter. Not at all.


Kaira: why cycle today?

Therapist: just breaking the pattern

Kaira: yes, should break it

you must be going insane listening to crazy people like me all day inside one room

Therapist: mm. Quite possible

Albert Einstein once said “An insane person is one who does the same thing over and over again and expects different results each time”

Kaira: by the way, Rumi, its over. Broken up

Therapist: why?

Kaira: can’t do it. It’s too much. He doesn’t fit in my I don’t know I can’t handle it it’s too much

Therapist: what’s too much? Did rumi did something wrong?

Kaira: no we were just wrong for each other. *shivers* not this chair

Therapist: shiver! Only happens when we feel cold or have a fever, or due to weather or sometimes people shiver when they are scared

Kaira: *cycles off* I just want to be free. Free from all of this

Therapist: ya ya. I also want you to be free, free from your fears


Therapist: you know.. as children, when we are sad, our elders tells us not to cry. When we are angry, they tell us ‘give us a smile’. You know why? Just to keep the peace at home. When we wanted to hate they didn’t allow us. So now when we want to love we suddenly find our whole emotional system is topsy-turvy. It cannot function. Sadness, anger, hate, we were not allowed to express anything. So now, how do we express love?

It’s okay to be angry sometimes, even with parents. It’s good, it’s healthy, it’s okay kaira.


Above are a few dialogues from the movie ‘dear zindagi’. The plot centers on a budding cinematographer named Kaira, who is discontented with her life and meets Dr. Jehangir, a free-spirited psychologist who helps her to gain a new perspective on her life.

26DEARZINDAGI-facebookJumbo

There were a lot more quotes and conversations in the movie that were great given advice and scenes that were very touching and true, but if I were to type it all out it will be so much longer than this. This movie also shows a lot about the stereotype of those who seek therapy. “When people have a physical illness, they go to the hospital, its fine. But if someone has a mental illness, they don’t talk about it. They see themselves as crazy.” But after the end of her therapy and the beginning of her newfound state, only made possible by her therapist who were like her confidant and life teacher, Kaira grew confident and later became successful in her career. Having killed two birds with one stone, she finally attracted the right man into her life. It left me with so much emotions, making me realize why being a counsellor resonates in me, because in a therapeutic relationship you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you feel all kinds of emotions and you allow intimacy in order to heal. And when true healing takes place, joy towards life can then fill you. As what the character, Dr Jehangir says in the movie “if you can’t cry wholeheartedly, then how will you laugh wholeheartedly” It’s amazing how these movie industries uses their talents to convey important messages such as this. I must say it’s very different from those over the top Bollywood movies where there’s singing and dancing and also filled with dramatic love storyline, this movie is definitely a more down to earth with realistic views. Worth the watch!

Lightworkers and Narcissists

In my previous post,  I wrote about the concept of twin flame, and although the concept of twin flames or twin souls is highly seen as a divine connection of oneself losing their egos and loving unconditionally, there would be in some cases, contradicting views as the ‘runner’ and ‘chaser’ concept in twin flames might perpetually go on as an abusive relationship. These abusive relationships might come from the pattern of an empath attracting a narcissistic or an anxious attachment with a dismissive avoidant. This might be true, if we are not fully conscious of ourselves, we then allow ourselves to attract others base on the level of our self esteem. It is important to know too, that we are worthy of love, and that we shouldn’t allow the narcissistic or avoidant to take control of the precarious state that we are in.

I would also like to clear out the misconceptions that these posts in my blog have done. Especially in relation to Islam. I shouldn’t have named it Twin Flame, I should have just named it as Soulmates but I guess ‘Twin Flames’ would have reached out to more people who are reading about this in order to help my Muslim brothers and sisters.

As I’ve said in the previous post too that due to the increasing no of people going through spiritual awakening and spiritual consciousness, there are too an increasing no of compassionate healers and helpers in this world taking on careers such as; counsellors, social workers, spiritual guides etc. And especially more known to the concept of twin flames, these people are called lightworkers.

There is also an expectation that spiritually evolved people needs to be fully healed in order to heal others. Truth is, we can never be fully healed. We just transcend from one state to another state and we learn to bypass the traumas and fears that is in our unconscious being. Acquiring a state of equanimity; reliance in Allah even through pain is to perform your duty without attachment, remaining equal to success or failure. And most of the time, we need people to bring out the parts of us that is hidden in order to balance these energies and transform us.

We don’t have to be perfectly healed to help heal others. We don’t. But what we do need to be doing is leading the way authentically by making it our first and foremost mission to be committed to really healing and working with ourselves. Because if we’re not doing that, we are going to be doing the co-dependent thing of trying to get other people different so we can feel better. And we need to understand that to be an effective healer to ourselves and others, our most important mission is to be committed in releasing our own inner traumas, freeing ourselves from those, and then only helping people who asks for our help. The people that are going to come to us, that are ready to heal. So not trying to drag people into the light, who got no inclination to seek it, or stay on that path for real, which is of course what narcissists do. No one is going to be led to the light unless they personally seek it for themselves. So trying to force somebody to the light because we want them to do it for our own agenda, it never works. If we really unconditionally love everybody, we allow them to choose their own lives and we set them free rather than try to bend them to our will. And we stop purporting like we know what is right for them, and we stop playing out all of those conditional agendas of changing that person because we need them to provide us with our own happiness. We let them go and take responsibility for our own happiness.

I would like you to know, that it is important to be in a conscious state, that if one’s psychological or mental health is deteriorating due to the obsession of one in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant or a narcissistic, then time outs for healing is crucial. In actual sense, this time out is the time for healing that one’s fear and ego usually decides to sever the relationship. But it is usually one’s higher selves that relies one’s happiness and healing from God instead and thus able to express unconditional love to humankind.

“This path, is only for the strong hearted” – H

And the strong hearted submits to God. Do not believe in Twin Flames. Look into yourself, does God resides, or does shaitan (devil) resides? Perform istikharah for every of your decisions and be in harmony with what Allah SWT wants. Do not be too attached to this concept which doesn’t do good for you. You shouldn’t go around letting feelings fester for married man/woman either. It is appalling that many, even Muslims, are looking into Twin Flames to let oneself be unhealthily obsessed with another. If connections are severed, return yourself to Allah. Connect yourself back to Allah. The solution lies in Allah.

Are we capable of trusting others?

via Daily Prompt: Trust

Trust? What is trust?

Is trust the person you could share about your fears and insecurities to without feeling they are not being receptive of it?

Is trust knowing that when you needed something, someone will do it for you?

Is trust knowing that when you asked for someone to accompany you, they do not break their promise?

Is trust something you can control? Can you control what someone wants to do for you? Can you control if someone is really interested? Can you control the amount of attention you get?

Even if we can’t force the external factors but I think it is possible to change how we think about ourselves and others.

How we think not only affect our response but also what we subconsciously asks for.

Trust;

I trust myself not to be passive. Because if I ask, the person I ask, will not reject me.

I trust myself that if I ask my lecturer for help even if I’m way behind, that he or she will help me instead of nagging at me.

I trust myself that I am cared for. That my romantic partner will meet my needs and that he/she cares.

I trust myself that I am loved, that people will love me.

I trust myself that if I be vulnerable, people will accept me and get to know me.

I trust myself that I am capable of being smart, of being able to interact about anything and everything because people will allow me to explore and learn.

I trust myself because I am capable of trusting.

I trust my soul because I am my Lord’s child. And my Lord is always there.

Hasbunallahu wa ni’maal wakeel

Allah alone is sufficient enough for me and that He is the best disposer of affairs for me.

Allah is Al-Wakeel, that He has power over everything and He controls everything. He never abandons us and leaves us to our own. Even if things doesn’t go according to our plans, He has full knowledge over everything. He provides for us. He watches over us. He is who you rely upon.

 

Reliever of anxiety and doubt

Sometimes as a friend we get so used to asking our friends “What’s wrong..?” “Come talk to me..” whenever they have a problem. And we’ll realize that sometimes the more they speak of their problems the more agitated it can get for them. How comforting it is rather, to someone who doesn’t hear much of a careless solution but a sincere listening ear and a reminder of certainty that Allah ﷻ will help them in all their affairs. We do not have the authority, neither do we, weak souls, take in full responsibility upon others.

We need a fine balance in both. Just like Shaykh Abdul Aziz Fredrerick says, Both (tafakur) and having someone to talk to, co-reflect, giving and receiving sincere nasiha. The Prophet ﷺ said, “This religion is sincere advice.” We said “To whom?” He ﷺ said, “To Allah, His book, His messenger, and to the leaders of the Muslims and the common folks.” And that it is very important to have a sahabah (sincere company) and to not shun off everyone every time.

“Being alone is better than bad company and good company is better than being alone. To say something good is better than remaining silent but remaining silent is far better than saying something evil.” (Hadith, Bayhaqi)

But we also need to have a little distance to place everything in perspective and to have (Ilm al-yaqin), knowledge of certainty. “If they knew with the knowledge of certainty, …. then you will surely see it with the eye of certainty.” (Qur’an, 102:6) And that sometimes when too much information destroys our mind that it can bring us doubt, then we need to fill ourselves with knowledge. The search of certainty is actually the search of a healthy heart. That “None of you will come to Allah ﷻ in a state of happiness unless if it is in a state of salim (whole and healthy).”

“Give up what is doubtful to you for that which is not doubtful; for truth is peace of mind and falsehood is doubt”. (Hadith, Tirmidhi)

You don’t love someone enough if you don’t make dua for them. Insya Allah with this, we are able to help ourselves and each other better. Do yourself a favour, seek knowledge. May we be among those who knows the truthful.