Women Who Are Men and Abuse

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Are men afraid of strong women? And do women really see themselves as worthless? Or are men who are afraid of independent thinking women, learn to successfully manipulate these women into seeing themselves as powerless?

If I am here, shower you with attention, this is your worth, and if I am not here, cold and defiant, this is how little you are worth. So women who are unconscious victims learn to rely on unhealthy patterns.

A human, capable of loving, empowers, enables and gives without the need of receiving and control. One only a sound heart is capable of being.

Why do aggressive men cower and get defensive when they hear about feminism? Even though the agenda of a true feminist isn’t to overpower or dominate men but to have equal rights. Why must we be men when the role of a male and a female were created to be different in their own beauty and purpose. Are these men guilty that women will treat men how men have treated women?

However, are these men to be blamed? Do these men perhaps have some deep-seated fear in their unconscious that reacts emotionally and sometimes physically to perceived upcoming danger? Are they angry perhaps at another person, not you?

Are these men then afraid of hearing the truth? The truth that they can’t seek it elsewhere but within. That they are weak themselves. That when women seek to have their time away and a mind of their own, they start belittling them, rejecting them and sometimes act on them because of their own insecurities. And then abuses the situation by threatening an affair. Are they real men?

Or do they just seek relationships to feed their egos?

Now, how do some ladies talk about incest without shame? Are they so passionately attached to the familial, they don’t see it as wrong?

A spiritual rebirth one experiences when one has learned how to love without attaching to their ideals. Aren’t these ideals egocentric?

A cry for help, these women make, when they are just asking to be authentic, capable and yet be loved gently and unconditionally. Abusers place power in the wrong places. Healers place power in the right circumstances.

To the strong, independent woman who is learning to love their troubled man, and to the strong, independent man who is learning to love their troubled woman, and to the troubled man and woman projecting their fears to everybody,

Learn to love yourself.

Were we mere blank slates?

In a tale of human progress and a defence of progress, people learn from their parents and their parents’ parents, and who, after trials and tribulations, wind up committed to each other. Unrecognizing that our life is a story of fellowship. Because when you look deeper into the unconscious, the separations between individuals begin to get a little fuzzy. It becomes ever more obvious that the swirls that make up our own minds are shared swirls. We become who we are in conjunction with other people becoming who they are.

We have inherited an image of ourselves as Homo sapiens, as thinking individuals separated from the other animals because of our superior power of reason. This is mankind as Rodin’s thinker – chin on fist, cogitating alone and deeply. In fact we are separated from the other animals because we have phenomenal social skills that enable us to teach, learn, sympathize, emote, and build cultures, institutions, and the complex mental scaffolding of civilizations. Who are we? We are like millions of sensations, emotions, and signals interpenetrate every second. We are communications centres, and through some process we are not close to understanding, we have the ability to partially govern this traffic – to shift attention from one thing to another, to choose and commit. We become fully ourselves only through the ever-enriching interplay of our networks. We seek, more than anything else, to establish deeper and more complete connections.

In psychotherapy, it is believed that the original trauma of disconnect often stems from parenting. This produces the wound, and our reaction to the wound. From how we encode the information, to how it creates chaos. What defence mechanism we use to cope and how our outdated defence mechanism leads to breakdown or occasionally breakthrough. Whether we choose to shift our life to a new healthier paradigm that allows healing and expresses unity, this system above is intended to help psychotherapists connect the dots and understand the blueprint. When we do this, we can adopt a more logical and linear approach to it all. A logical and linear approach helps us move from the amygdala (the emotional center) to our frontal lobe (where we can problem solve, make peace or accept and let go of past events).

Thomas Kuhn states that “awareness is prerequisite to all acceptable changes of theory.” Kuhn believes that it all begins in the mind of the person. The mind is central to your health. Disturbed mind gives rise to a disturbed body, and when the body is disturbed, it disturbs the mind further. However, a man’s innermost reality and center of consciousness, the mind, is governed by the heart. The Prophet ﷺ said “Indeed there is in the body a piece of flash which if it is sound then the whole body is sound, and if it is corrupt then the whole body is corrupt. Indeed it is the heart.” Imam An-Nawawi used this hadith as a proof that the seat of the mind is the heart (al-aql fi al-qalb) and not the head.

The sound and truthful heart is that which is secure from every carnal desires, it is secure from any doubt and uncertainty. It is secure in preferring what pleases Him in every circumstances and distancing itself from everything that would displease Him in every possible way. It is secure from seeking the ruling of other than His Messenger ﷺ . This is the reality of ubudiyyah (servitude), which can be directed to Allah, alone. And this is the deen al-fitrah that creates a love for deen al-Islam. Allah swt has given every child Qalb-e-saleem (a sound heart) and that “None of you will come to Allah in a state of happiness unless if it is in a state of salim (whole and healthy).” Now this enlightens both the mentally ill and the spiritually diseased that the search for a healthy heart is able to help them.

Kuhn further states that what we perceive, whether normal or metanormal, conscious or unconscious, are subject to the limitations and distortions produced by our inherited and socially conditional nature. However, we are not restricted by this for we can change. For example in some cases, our dreams, being misinterpreted as a spiritual message, may actually come from our subconscious desires (nafs). Or bad dreams which alludes to our subconscious fears. What we nurture in our minds determines the results. Therefore our minds, if filled with the zeal for the Prophet ﷺ or our Lord, are able to manifest expansion and revelations in our dreams or even in our awaken states.

Pulling it from an Islamic spiritual perspective, how this identifies with our relationship with Allah ﷻ , the Ultimate One who created us. Our disconnection with our Creator and our religious ancestor salallahu alaihi wasallam leads to all sorts of trauma.

“The great tribulations that we see in our age is because we have distanced ourselves from the life of the Prophet Muhammad

-Habib Kazim al-Saqqaf

We are, being the descendants of Prophet Adam alaihi salam and the ummah of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ , enjoys this benefit, His intercession. And this definitely doesn’t only limit to Arabs.

In 1981, Andrew Meltzoff ushered in a new era of infant psychology when he stuck his tongue out at a forty-two minute old infant. The baby stuck her tongue out back at him. It was as if the baby, who had never seen a tongue out back in her life, intuited that the strange collection of shapes in front of her was a face, that the little thing in the middle of it was a tongue, that there was a creature behind the face, that the tongue was something other than herself, and that she herself had a corresponding little flap that she too could move around.

The experiment has been replicated with babies at different ages, and since then researchers have gone off in search of other infant abilities. They’ve found them. People once believed that babies were blank slates. But the more investigators look, the more impressed they have become with how much babies know at birth, and how much they learn in the first few months after.

The truth is, starting even before we are born, we inherit a great river of knowledge, a great flow of patterns coming from many ages and many sources. The information that comes from deep in the evolutionary past, we call genetics. The information revealed thousands of years ago, we call religion. The information passed along from hundreds of years ago, we call culture. The information passed along from decades ago, we call family, and the information offered years, months, days, or hours ago, we call education and advice.

Relevant to how all of our souls, in its purest forms are connected to the message of Islam from our Creator through His messenger Prophet Muhammad ﷺ , his beliefs (hadiths) and actions (sunnahs). Also, as his ummah, our inheritance of his salallahu alaihi wasallam’s characteristics, and finally our tarbiyah on our path towards Him.

But it is all information, and it all flows from the dead through us and to the unborn. The brain is adapted to the river of knowledge and its many currents and tributaries, and it exists as a creature of that river the way a trout exists in a stream. Our thoughts are profoundly moulded by this long historic flow, and none of us exists, self made, in isolation from it. So even a newborn possesses this rich legacy, and is built to absorb more, and to contribute back to this long current.

How an infant is born in a state of fitrah (purity), with the knowledge of God, and the purpose of worshipping Him. But as we grow and we start communicating with the world, it instils in us memories, habits, which later becomes our nafs. Similarly, to an innocent child that helplessly attaches him or herself to the nurturing ways provided by his or her own parents, a seeker seeks to form a rabita (connection, attachment) with his own shaykh or murrabi, diminishing its own personality (nafs) and unifying it with what God or the Prophet ﷺ wants through surrendering. While the world, in its corruption, contributes to the nafs, the seeker seeks purification.

The heart, when has been renewed, now has turn alike a child, pure and innocent. The soul in its awareness of the need for social interactions, seeks the knowledge of adab (etiquette) in preventing harm to its character. However, through the struggles, it presents the lack of surrender of the salik (seeker). The mind still clings onto logic and reasoning and it doesn’t understand what the spirit is capable of understanding. This entails the emptying. The unlearning of what you have learned, in order to reach a state of equanimity and eventually, humanity.

“Allahumma Muqallibal quloob thabbit qalbee ‘alaa deenik” (Oh turner of hearts, keep my heart firm upon your religion)

Sayyidatina ‘Aisha (radiallahu anha) narrated that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ used to recite this dua a lot. So she asked, “Oh Messenger of Allah, you make this dua a lot, are you afraid?” He said: “Yes. Who would keep me safe, Oh ‘Aisha, while the hearts of the servants are between two fingers from the fingers of The Most Merciful?”

Abdullah bin ‘Amr bin al-‘Aas said that he heard Allah’s Messenger ﷺ saying,

“All the hearts of the offspring of Adam are between two fingers of Ar-Rahman’s Fingers, as one heart. He turns it (in any direction) as He wills. Then Allah’s Messenger said, “O Allah! The Turner of hearts, turn our hearts towards Your obedience.”

Now let’s look at the bigger picture, what is our purpose in life?

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Now act accordingly.

via Daily Prompt: Descend

This topic was explored with the help of some authors. Most of the psychological aspects of this writing came from David Brooks’ book called ‘The Social Animal’. I do not claim it to be mine.

Non-linear thinking and its spirituality

A ‘ba’ is not a ‘dza’, a non-linear thinker is not a linear thinker.

Here’s a quick quiz I’ve gotten from a website to determine your thinking style. Imagine yourself facing a challenge. Does column one or column two feel like the best way to proceed?

Column One                                             Column Two

1. Define the goal                                   1. Gather and welcome everyone affected

2. Develop a strategy                             2. Think about the questions to be asked

3. Make a plan                                       3. Interactively share information

4. Set time lines, costs, tasks                 4. Recognize a pattern, get an idea

5. Activate the plan                                 5. Create a prototype and try it

6. Measure progress                              6. Respond to the information and redesign

I find this article in explaining non-linear thinking interesting, in this case, fragmented thinking;

http://www.akidjustlikeme.com/id79.htm

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There’s the frustration in trying to be somebody we were not created to be in the course of a setback and then there’s the leniency we place on ourselves while being complacent. Maybe that’s where, like Shaykh Mendes said in prophetic parenting, that we should stop reacting to our parents. Maybe that’s where going back to our deen al-fitrah is important. Maybe that’s where we should dig our own well and find our inner strength. Maybe that is why our spiritual gurus treat some of us with Jamal (beauty) and some with Jalal (majesty). But how often can we find that ‘potential’ in us, without Love? Even our teachers have a love for us and have mercy over us while at the same time keeping the balance, they keep on telling us to just do, to keep on going.. to keep on striving…

Having sat with people who are autistic, dyslexia and tutored children from orphanage homes with dysfunctional backgrounds, made me realize one thing. How often, when we are placed in a difficult situation, we give up on others. We react to the other’s frustrations as if it was ours. We demolish the independent thinking we should teach in the people around us, and we limit the unconditional love we should instead express. We subconsciously teach the other learned helplessness when we tell them that there is nothing you can do about it and that you should avoid it. Maybe that’s where the teachers who specialize in special needs come into play to turn the weaknesses of the students into skills. Maybe that’s where coaches or career counselors take the place to help those who are grappling to find their potential. Maybe that’s where psychotherapists help the regress individual to cope in life and to integrate back into society.

How many of these involve a relationship? A teacher, a coach, a counselor, a psychotherapist, or even a spiritual guru, which we can see are all working relationships.

In our attempts to escape into our form of coping mechanism, like detachment and avoidance, before we lash out in anger and verbally abuse others due to our low-stress threshold. Are our non-linear thinkers able to turn these victims into capable geniuses instead? and are our mothers strong enough to be patient in redeeming it?

Maybe that was what I meant when I typed the post; Tolerance back in 2016.

I guess I found my strength, but the water to grow that strength, isn’t strong enough. But how can we say it isn’t strong enough when I understand that we as humans are weak ourselves.

Shaykh Ahmad Saad Al-Azhari once said, “An orphan is not when one doesn’t have a mother or a father, a true orphan is one whose both mother and father are always busy.”

A mother and a father play a very important role in the development of a child that even Shaykh Abdul Aziz Fredrericks said that we should not be sending our children to any preschool until the age of 7, but that we should be the sole nurturer and teacher to our own children because they should be learning from you. You should be the one setting a prophetic environment for your children, show them Ihsan. Like what Shaykh Mendes said, be like a murrobi, you are gifted a child, it’s an entrusted responsibility on you to rear a ruh (spirit).

Maybe we try to compensate for what we lack and maybe that’s what we are learning to stand up for.

Isn’t it interesting though, our dear messenger salallahu alaihi wasallam himself was an orphan, this was how the Prophet ﷺ was. The hidden blessing of being an orphan is that the one who teaches you adab and raises you is Allah swt Himself. There is wisdom in Allah’s separating the prophets from their parents, and this has happened to some of you too. Sometimes we are amazed at how our mothers are orphans themselves yet they express Ihsan and generosity towards people. In this case, Ar-Rabb is the one who nurtures and forms them into a spiritual being, Masya Allah. In addition to that, our dear Prophet Muhammad salallahu alaihi wasallam was also illiterate. How is it that Allah wants to show us that knowledge and revelations can come from Him ﷻ Himself.

Maybe as fragmented our thoughts, hearts and souls are, the cracks are meant to be filled with God’s light.

May we learn from the prophet ﷺ and be people of Ihsan when we deal with His creations and His gifts such as our spouses and children. Aameen.

The crisis between spirituality and social maladjustment – recommended readings

Shaykh Mendes said, The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam learned from other cultures, if there is wisdom, and we can do this too. We can even learn things from people who are not Muslims. Sayyidina Ali (ra) said, “Even if the wisdom is from people who worship idols, we can still learn from them.”

Below are three articles I came across and would like to share with you guys, just as what the title says (to be honest this has been in my draft for months).

1. Ecstasy in depression

In this article, it talks about a girl who shares the story of her delusional meditative experiences which she failed to see was her symptoms of mental disorders, such as dissociation and the experience of extreme highs and lows in bipolar disorder. A sudden plunge of depression that halted her progress in life for years made her aware of the truth, which made her eventually sought for help. On her spiritual journey though, she then met a lady who told her to contemplate that pain is bliss.


Reminded me of what Rumi said;

 

After then she found her wisdom, that to have true control in her state is to be in equanimity. In which reliance in God even through pain is to perform your duty without attachment, remaining equal to success or failure.

And how her story is alike to what Carl Jung, a psychologist, said, I’d like to share his quote, “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people. There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their souls. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. Your visions will become clear only when you look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

2. Confidence comes from within and three other myths that are making you more insecure

For this next article,
I hope my sharing enables you guys to see what I see. Although it’s true that a spiritual path refines us by killing our ego and our lower desires to take that step further in regards to our spirituality, but do not neglect our mental or emotional health by ignoring the psychological aspects of it. To what extend does the act of khalwa (withdrawal from the world in Sufism) can be seen as it turning into Schizoid personality disorder? And how does tafakkur (reflection), as here I’d like to emphasize on co-reflection, social interactions, with one another helps to mitigate negative self-talk when it gets out of control? How can we change our belief from thinking that we or the people around us are inadequate for life, into taking the practical steps to help improve our and their perspectives and situations? Encouraging confidence instead.

Just like Ivan Pavlov’s theory; reinforce healthy thoughts and behaviors by removing negative stimulus such as perfectionism and thus fear of failure.

3. Crossing the divide: How to examine conflict from the inside out

“Tell me. Tell me your hurt. Tell me about your pain. Tell me what you suppress. Tell me what was left undone. Tell me how it still bothers you. You’re not being vulnerable, and I know it hurts you. Talk to me.”


Your judgements about the world, your beliefs, your expectations are an accumulation of your experiences from the age of 18 and below. If you don’t become aware of this social conditioning, then you end up repeating these same patterns with different people across your life and then you wonder “why this keeps happening to me?.” And if this takes its course in an important union such as marriage, it may very well destroy intimacy and this leads to the many divorces we see today.


For those who weren’t encouraged to be truthful and vulnerable in their early environment, having to face rejections, aggressions or criticism demolishes one’s articulation and communication skills as adults. In what way can we encourage our children and our spouses to communicate authentically? Communication takes more than what lies on the superficial. How many of us still live with the crippling anxiety that lies underneath when we choose to just sweep it all under the rug. Do we take the time to be more patient and understanding of the underlying factors hidden behind the exasperation of not being heard?


When war turns into an ego issue, we forget that such a blessed union is meant to be seen with the eye of spiritual growth. Our intimacy and vulnerability with God when we raise our hands to make du’a to spill all our brokenness has embraced us with spiritual openings. The same can be done when we lay out our truth with our relationships and if is the recipient, be receptive towards them with a loving, compassionate disposition. Such is God’s prescription to acquiring the staying power necessary for genuine intimacy.

Purpose of place: finding Allah through life’s mission

I really love the approach of Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes when it comes to spirituality. Imbuing spirituality with social issues, which I find personally relatable when it comes to the teaching or therapeutic lines like counseling or psychology. It was a privilege to have him here all the way from the US and to remind us once again to use our gifts and our skills in service to Allah swt and to know our true purpose with our spouses and our children.

Last year on his more intimate ‘Youth Activism: Unlock Your Potential Being’ workshop, Shaykh Mendes asked us to look within and to recognize what are the things you are most mad about and what are the things you stand up for. That will be the clue to figuring out your life mission in bringing about change in the community. Then to think of what you’re going to do for the next 6 months to bring about that change. A brother bravely shared with us that he had experienced losing himself in drinking and smoking, so he plans to open up a boxing training center for people who struggles with similar issues to divert their attention to a healthier lifestyle and also to provide a space to release pent up anger. Syabas! 😀

This year in his ‘Purpose of Place: Finding Allah through Life’s Mission’ workshop, it reminded me again of what I believed in. 3 years ago, I found peace, authenticity and Allah ﷻ through that although it wasn’t something religious. And I too wondered why were there a lot of people who opened up to me with their stories. Not only people of my age but also people who were older than me and they’d always expressed gratitude and ease after our conversations. This non-religious complicated thing that I had a passion for yet resonates with the sentence “man ‘arafa nafsahu faqad ‘arafa Rabbahu”, which means “he who knows himself knows his Lord” which Allah has said in the Quran. I then find it interesting how he mentioned in his ‘The Way of Love: Joys and Realities of Marriage’ workshop about the 4 temperaments, which is a proto-psychological theory that suggests four fundamental personality types and that each of the 4 temperaments is connected 4 basic fundamental energies such as hot, cold, dry and wet. But what I found interesting was that he states that as our nafs. You have to understand your nafs, your spouse’s nafs, your children’s nafs. The positive sides of the temperaments are his or her strengths and if is compatible, achieve goodness while the negative sides of the temperaments are what you have to work on as a couple. However, marriage is like a spiritual path. With humility, it can make you a saint. What I meant by that is maybe the difficulty is not in embracing our differences after all. Maybe it is in overcoming our pride and opening our minds beyond what is comfortable. And it has a way of crushing our ego and conjure us to learn how to love unconditionally. And with patience, it promises you paradise. “So be patient, with a beautiful patience” [70:5]. How can we say we are marrying for our deen and for the purpose of purifying our nafs, if following the words of the Quran itself is a hard thing to do. With true love, strong marriages teach you Rahmah, Mawaddah, and Sakinah. Make time for Allah, give yourself space to just be with Allah, even if it’s in a marriage.

You were born together, and together you shall be forever more.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your
days.
Yes, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of heaven dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but each one of you be
alone–even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver
with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not in each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the Cyprus grow not in each other’s shadows

– Kahlil Gibran, on Marriage from The Prophet

because in a physical world where zahir is usually more important, Allah will allow a sincere heart to reach something it longs for, if not in zahir, in batin. The beauty of it is that contradicting as it sounds, it will grow two hearts closer. This, however, will be hard, if we do not take responsibility for our selves. The wounded child that helplessly attaches itself onto others out of anxiety or loneliness. Connecting intimately with a greater entity, in another word, learning tasawwuf, helps us control these negativities.

Shaykh also said that we as Muslims are meant to go back to our deen al-fitrah in order to find out our purpose. Which then in his ‘Prophetic Parenting: Raising God Conscious Children in the 21st Century’ workshop, he brought up the meaning of Rabb as “to nurture one up to its perfected form”, which comes from the root word yurrabi, meaning to raise a child. Masya Allah.. Just like the concept of tarbiyah, in counseling, we have our inner child to raise in order to complete each of its needed developmental stages so that one can grow mentally. How many times do we hear people say ‘grow up’ and then be perplexed at how childish and irresponsible we were at that point. And how at times we feel like we are torturing ourselves from the pain we have to face while losing ourselves mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. We had a break out session and we were told to share what our dreams are to our group mates. I shared with my group that I aspire to open up a center where people can seek both professional counseling/psychological therapy and just like what Sout Ilaahi is doing, providing lectures, workshops, activities, and events on spirituality and traditional Islamic sciences for the masses. Therefore my greatest wish is to put the two together.

Just like what Shaykh Mendes said, it doesn’t mean we give you the hasbunallahu wa’nimal wakeel to recite, that will cure you. That hasbunallahu wa’nimal wakeel is to turn you to a solution and that not all kinds of illnesses can be cured with awrad. But that awrad is a means of attaining aspirations for the disciple at the same time discipline the soul to be in the remembrance of Allah. Thus my idea is to provide such a resource for people by collaborating with spiritual events, reveling the Prophetic teachings. He too, pointed out a very good point for all of us in his closed-door session ‘Wisdom in Action: Dealing with Contemporary Social Issues’, quoting Theodore Roosevelt;

“They don’t care about what you know, but they want to know whether you care.” – Shaykh Muhammad Adeyinka Mendes

He reassured me, that just like the Prophet ﷺ , he catered to the needs of his sahabahs who came to him with worldly issues and did not dismiss them.

Alhamdulillah for such RE-flections. His visit here was extremely beneficial and his words just healed me. I am writing this to show that your deepest inner struggles can be your light, and sometimes Allah gives you such pain in your early life so that sooner or later it knocks on your heart to find that mission. Remember that the job that is earning you money doesn’t necessarily be your purpose. ❤️

May the things we do be in service to Allah swt.

Dear zindagi life lessons on freedom

Therapist: please tell your friend that sometimes we choose the tough path only because we feel that to achieve important things we have to take the tough path

We feel we need to punish ourselves

But why?

Why not choose the easy way out? What is so bad about it?

Especially when we are unprepared for the tough path

Why climb mountains when you are not ready to?

Would you tell this story to your friend? It’s.. it’s important.


Therapist: I’m going to ask you a question.

Have you bought a chair? Have you bought one?

And did you just go into a shop and buy the first chair you saw?

Kaira: No

Therapist: Exactly my point.

We look at so many different chairs until we find the right one

Some chairs may be comfortable but look like shit

Others look nice but are hard on the butt

So the process starts, chair after chair..

How many chairs we check out before we find that one chair?

So the point is,

If we look for so many options just to buy a chair

Then shouldn’t we look at options when choosing a life partner?

So.. dirty.. cheap.. fast.. no

Smart, clear, fine.. actually super fine.

Kaira: so the women in my dream who believe that marriage is the only acceptable relationship, I felt dirty because of them

Therapist: See you’ve figured it out yourself. You don’t need anybody’s help

Kaira: But the dangling camera, what does that mean? … just like my future, it’s hanging in the air..!

Therapist: Actually you know what, maybe you should sit on my chair and I should sit from here today

Kaira: it’s so cool. I wish the whole world could hear about your chair theory

Therapist: why is it important for the whole world to hear this?

Kaira: if they understand this chair theory they will stop judging others and what a beautiful world it will be

Therapist: no kaira. When you understand yourself well, then what others think of you doesn’t matter. Not at all.


Kaira: why cycle today?

Therapist: just breaking the pattern

Kaira: yes, should break it

you must be going insane listening to crazy people like me all day inside one room

Therapist: mm. Quite possible

Albert Einstein once said “An insane person is one who does the same thing over and over again and expects different results each time”

Kaira: by the way, Rumi, its over. Broken up

Therapist: why?

Kaira: can’t do it. It’s too much. He doesn’t fit in my I don’t know I can’t handle it it’s too much

Therapist: what’s too much? Did rumi did something wrong?

Kaira: no we were just wrong for each other. *shivers* not this chair

Therapist: shiver! Only happens when we feel cold or have a fever, or due to weather or sometimes people shiver when they are scared

Kaira: *cycles off* I just want to be free. Free from all of this

Therapist: ya ya. I also want you to be free, free from your fears


Therapist: you know.. as children, when we are sad, our elders tells us not to cry. When we are angry, they tell us ‘give us a smile’. You know why? Just to keep the peace at home. When we wanted to hate they didn’t allow us. So now when we want to love we suddenly find our whole emotional system is topsy-turvy. It cannot function. Sadness, anger, hate, we were not allowed to express anything. So now, how do we express love?

It’s okay to be angry sometimes, even with parents. It’s good, it’s healthy, it’s okay kaira.


Above are a few dialogues from the movie ‘dear zindagi’. The plot centers on a budding cinematographer named Kaira, who is discontented with her life and meets Dr. Jehangir, a free-spirited psychologist who helps her to gain a new perspective on her life.

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There were a lot more quotes and conversations in the movie that were great given advice and scenes that were very touching and true, but if I were to type it all out it will be so much longer than this. This movie also shows a lot about the stereotype of those who seek therapy. “When people have a physical illness, they go to the hospital, its fine. But if someone has a mental illness, they don’t talk about it. They see themselves as crazy.” But after the end of her therapy and the beginning of her newfound state, only made possible by her therapist who were like her confidant and life teacher, Kaira grew confident and later became successful in her career. Having killed two birds with one stone, she finally attracted the right man into her life. It left me with so much emotions, making me realize why being a counsellor resonates in me, because in a therapeutic relationship you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you feel all kinds of emotions and you allow intimacy in order to heal. And when true healing takes place, joy towards life can then fill you. As what the character, Dr Jehangir says in the movie “if you can’t cry wholeheartedly, then how will you laugh wholeheartedly” It’s amazing how these movie industries uses their talents to convey important messages such as this. I must say it’s very different from those over the top Bollywood movies where there’s singing and dancing and also filled with dramatic love storyline, this movie is definitely a more down to earth with realistic views. Worth the watch!

Lightworkers and Narcissists

In my previous post,  I wrote about the concept of twin flame, and although the concept of twin flames or twin souls is highly seen as a divine connection of oneself losing their egos and loving unconditionally, there would be in some cases, contradicting views as the ‘runner’ and ‘chaser’ concept in twin flames might perpetually go on as an abusive relationship. These abusive relationships might come from the pattern of an empath attracting a narcissistic or an anxious attachment with a dismissive avoidant. This might be true, if we are not fully conscious of ourselves, we then allow ourselves to attract others base on the level of our self esteem. It is important to know too, that we are worthy of love, and that we shouldn’t allow the narcissistic or avoidant to take control of the precarious state that we are in.

I would also like to clear out the misconceptions that these posts in my blog have done. Especially in relation to Islam. I shouldn’t have named it Twin Flame, I should have just named it as Soulmates but I guess ‘Twin Flames’ would have reached out to more people who are reading about this in order to help my Muslim brothers and sisters.

As I’ve said in the previous post too that due to the increasing no of people going through spiritual awakening and spiritual consciousness, there are too an increasing no of compassionate healers and helpers in this world taking on careers such as; counsellors, social workers, spiritual guides etc. And especially more known to the concept of twin flames, these people are called lightworkers.

There is also an expectation that spiritually evolved people needs to be fully healed in order to heal others. Truth is, we can never be fully healed. We just transcend from one state to another state and we learn to bypass the traumas and fears that is in our unconscious being. Acquiring a state of equanimity; reliance in Allah even through pain is to perform your duty without attachment, remaining equal to success or failure. And most of the time, we need people to bring out the parts of us that is hidden in order to balance these energies and transform us.

We don’t have to be perfectly healed to help heal others. We don’t. But what we do need to be doing is leading the way authentically by making it our first and foremost mission to be committed to really healing and working with ourselves. Because if we’re not doing that, we are going to be doing the co-dependent thing of trying to get other people different so we can feel better. And we need to understand that to be an effective healer to ourselves and others, our most important mission is to be committed in releasing our own inner traumas, freeing ourselves from those, and then only helping people who asks for our help. The people that are going to come to us, that are ready to heal. So not trying to drag people into the light, who got no inclination to seek it, or stay on that path for real, which is of course what narcissists do. No one is going to be led to the light unless they personally seek it for themselves. So trying to force somebody to the light because we want them to do it for our own agenda, it never works. If we really unconditionally love everybody, we allow them to choose their own lives and we set them free rather than try to bend them to our will. And we stop purporting like we know what is right for them, and we stop playing out all of those conditional agendas of changing that person because we need them to provide us with our own happiness. We let them go and take responsibility for our own happiness.

I would like you to know, that it is important to be in a conscious state, that if one’s psychological or mental health is deteriorating due to the obsession of one in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant or a narcissistic, then time outs for healing is crucial. In actual sense, this time out is the time for healing that one’s fear and ego usually decides to sever the relationship. But it is usually one’s higher selves that relies one’s happiness and healing from God instead and thus able to express unconditional love to humankind.

“This path, is only for the strong hearted” – H

And the strong hearted submits to God. Do not believe in Twin Flames. Look into yourself, does God resides, or does shaitan (devil) resides? Perform istikharah for every of your decisions and be in harmony with what Allah SWT wants. Do not be too attached to this concept which doesn’t do good for you. You shouldn’t go around letting feelings fester for married man/woman either. It is appalling that many, even Muslims, are looking into Twin Flames to let oneself be unhealthily obsessed with another. If connections are severed, return yourself to Allah. Connect yourself back to Allah. The solution lies in Allah.