Alexithymia part 2

via Daily Prompt: Hesitate

“You can have some time with him”

Oh I wasn’t ready for this.

Worried. I grew silent. A few seconds later my hands turned into cold sweat. Speechless. I ruminate silently. It was closer to my turn. My pulse raise. I grew anxious. Nervous, I turned to my friend asking for assurance. “Anything? I can say anything? But what if it’s more of a feeling?”. As the time passes, it felt like my stomach was twisting. Pretence. I wasn’t calm at all. But I was trying to calm myself down. Because I knew that this was an opportunity I shouldn’t waste once again.  As I continued ruminating, it felt like I was digging myself into a hole. Deeper and more deeper. As if every time the clock ticks, I’m choking on myself even tighter. I looked around, I looked at the time, I looked at my friends. I didn’t know what to say. My mind went blank. I gave up, I’d rather not think. I didn’t want the door to open. Let them prolong their conversations. I wish. But that didn’t happened.

“Aishya, your turn”, he said

I jumped up, my anxieties peaked. I was still considering at that very last minute. Pushed at the edge I was, when I saw him getting mad and impatient. Just three seconds passed, he immediately asked another to take my spot. Right at the same time “It’s okay, I think I’m not meeting him”, I decided on impulse.

I knew very well in what state I was in, immediately, embarrassed to face everyone in the living room, I went into the room, all alone. Sat myself down beside my bag and tried to calm myself down. Giving myself another chance to give it a second thought. Failed to, the displeasures of the rush and rejection just consumed me. My anxieties consumed me. My pain consumed me. My hands were still in cold sweat. I needed to get away. I picked my bag up and went off.

While I was walking off quickly, as if the fast pace could allow me to run away from my feelings, my thoughts consumed me so much, my face flushed, I was holding my anger in, holding my anger in, holding my anger in until my tears fell. And I was lucky. Very lucky, that nobody was around the blocks that night. I allowed myself to burst out crying even though I was in public. While I was still walking, it just kept on falling, and I kept on wiping my tears off, with both hands, like a child. I was mad, upset and nervous all at the same time.

That night I didn’t have my friend to accompany me home. But I thought I really needed someone to talk things out to. So I texted my friend and told my friend that my past feelings were recurring and that due to me feeling very empty, detached and indifferent, a lot of things came crashing down recently. The anxieties, it happened to me terribly in 2012 and I am surprised it finally happened again that night. I couldn’t pretend, the accumulated hurt made me realize that I couldn’t pretend to be okay. But once I was reminded that it’s the lower self that brings up the thoughts of running away, I knew that I needed to put myself in a healthier environment for the moment. I knew that I needed to heal this poor soul.

And that was the problem. The huge main problem. I didn’t have any queries nor complains. How would I have? When the route way out is always to dissolve things at the back of my mind. I didn’t know how people could run towards help, I run the other way.

Battling with trying to be heard and validated, my emotions sometimes leaves me dry and confused. At times it does destroys my ability to feel, articulate and so to ask. Bringing into consciousness a suppressed feeling could land me to express them either in confusion, anger or frustration at times.

A false belief that I could hold on to my own rope on my own. Albeit I can’t. Ruminating is a one way ticket to further negative self thoughts but we often dismiss it. An avoidant gone sullen, trying to care for my own well being, I wish people could be more accepting so I could be more accepting. But in trying to control what you are in no control of, they say what if He’s asking you to break?


 

“I want you in the house but not in my room… unless I invite you” – what an avoidant would say

Though the only person who is ego-less and merciful  enough ‘to go into my room and hang out with me’ is my mother. They say if you wanna see a person’s true character towards you.. watch how they treat you when at times they can’t benefit off of you. That’s why they say mothers are the closest to the teachings of the Sufis. She showed me a lot about sincerity and divinity. May Allah love her and grant her happiness in both this life and the hereafter. May her light nurture us all. And may Allah raise her station and make her be among those who are His friend. Ameen!

Lightworkers and Narcissists

In my previous post,  I wrote about the concept of twin flame, and although the concept of twin flames or twin souls is highly seen as a divine connection of oneself losing their egos and loving unconditionally, there would be in some cases, contradicting views as the ‘runner’ and ‘chaser’ concept in twin flames might perpetually go on as an abusive relationship. These abusive relationships might come from the pattern of an empath attracting a narcissistic or an anxious attachment with a dismissive avoidant. This might be true, if we are not fully conscious of ourselves, we then allow ourselves to attract others base on the level of our self esteem. It is important to know too, that we are worthy of love, and that we shouldn’t allow the narcissistic or avoidant to take control of the precarious state that we are in.

I would also like to clear out the misconceptions that these posts in my blog have done. Especially in relation to Islam. I shouldn’t have named it Twin Flame, I should have just named it as Soulmates but I guess ‘Twin Flames’ would have reached out to more people who are reading about this in order to help my Muslim brothers and sisters.

As I’ve said in the previous post too that due to the increasing no of people going through spiritual awakening and spiritual consciousness, there are too an increasing no of compassionate healers and helpers in this world taking on careers such as; counsellors, social workers, spiritual guides etc. And especially more known to the concept of twin flames, these people are called lightworkers.

There is also an expectation that spiritually evolved people needs to be fully healed in order to heal others. Truth is, we can never be fully healed. We just transcend from one state to another state and we learn to bypass the traumas and fears that is in our unconscious being. Acquiring a state of equanimity; reliance in Allah even through pain is to perform your duty without attachment, remaining equal to success or failure. And most of the time, we need people to bring out the parts of us that is hidden in order to balance these energies and transform us.

We don’t have to be perfectly healed to help heal others. We don’t. But what we do need to be doing is leading the way authentically by making it our first and foremost mission to be committed to really healing and working with ourselves. Because if we’re not doing that, we are going to be doing the co-dependent thing of trying to get other people different so we can feel better. And we need to understand that to be an effective healer to ourselves and others, our most important mission is to be committed in releasing our own inner traumas, freeing ourselves from those, and then only helping people who asks for our help. The people that are going to come to us, that are ready to heal. So not trying to drag people into the light, who got no inclination to seek it, or stay on that path for real, which is of course what narcissists do. No one is going to be led to the light unless they personally seek it for themselves. So trying to force somebody to the light because we want them to do it for our own agenda, it never works. If we really unconditionally love everybody, we allow them to choose their own lives and we set them free rather than try to bend them to our will. And we stop purporting like we know what is right for them, and we stop playing out all of those conditional agendas of changing that person because we need them to provide us with our own happiness. We let them go and take responsibility for our own happiness.

I would like you to know, that it is important to be in a conscious state, that if one’s psychological or mental health is deteriorating due to the obsession of one in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant or a narcissistic, then time outs for healing is crucial. In actual sense, this time out is the time for healing that one’s fear and ego usually decides to sever the relationship. But it is usually one’s higher selves that relies one’s happiness and healing from God instead and thus able to express unconditional love to humankind.

“This path, is only for the strong hearted” – H

And the strong hearted submits to God. Do not believe in Twin Flames. Look into yourself, does God resides, or does shaitan (devil) resides? Perform istikharah for every of your decisions and be in harmony with what Allah SWT wants. Do not be too attached to this concept which doesn’t do good for you. You shouldn’t go around letting feelings fester for married man/woman either. It is appalling that many, even Muslims, are looking into Twin Flames to let oneself be unhealthily obsessed with another. If connections are severed, return yourself to Allah. Connect yourself back to Allah. The solution lies in Allah.